What to say to a new parent, and what to send instead of a question
You want to help and you do not know what the sentence is.
By Ray Bickerstaff ·
Almost everybody wants to help somebody with a new baby, and almost nobody knows what the sentence is. So they send "let me know if you need anything", which is kind, and which is also work.
Never ask a question with a decision in it
That is the whole of it. An exhausted person cannot answer "do you need anything?", because answering it means auditing the house, deciding what is acceptable to ask for, and then asking.
Announce instead. "I am at the shop, I am getting you milk and bread unless you say otherwise" is the same offer with the work taken out, and it gets a yes.
The messages that work
- "I am dropping food on the step Thursday. Do not come to the door."
- "Can I come and hold him for 40 minutes while you have a bath? I will bring my own tea."
- "No need to reply to this one." Put it at the end of texts. It is a small kindness and it removes an item from a list you cannot see.
And the one that matters most: text at 2am if you are awake anyway. Say so. "Awake, thinking of you, no reply needed." Nothing in a first year is worth more than a message that arrives in the middle of the night from somebody who is also up.
What to write in the card
Everybody writes congratulations and a name, and every one of those cards goes in a box. Four lines that get kept:
- Something specific about them, not about the baby. "You are going to be so much better at this than you think" beats anything about tiny fingers.
- A concrete offer with a date in it. "I am coming on the 14th to do your washing and you cannot stop me."
- Permission. "You are allowed to hate some of this." Almost nobody writes it. Everybody who receives it remembers it.
- Your actual phone number, written out. Phones get lost. A card on a shelf does not.
And the visit
Give a start and a finish. "Come at 2, we have got something at 4" is a complete sentence, requires no justification and is not rude. It is the single most useful thing anybody can be told before a visit, and it is nearly always the host who has to say it.
If you are the visitor: hold the baby, and then do the washing up. That is the whole of being a good visitor and it is remembered for years.
Questions people ask about this
What should you say to a new mum instead of let me know if you need anything?
Announce what you are doing rather than asking what is needed. "I am at the shop, I am getting you milk and bread unless you say otherwise" gets a yes, because it does not require an exhausted person to decide anything.
What should you write in a new baby card?
One specific thing about the parent rather than the baby, a concrete offer with a date in it, a line giving them permission to find it hard, and your actual phone number written out. Any two of those makes a card that gets kept.
How long should you stay when visiting a new baby?
An hour, unless you are told otherwise. And the host is allowed to give a start and a finish time in advance; it is not rude and it is the single most useful thing they can do before a visit.